When I was a little girl I enjoyed the thrill of witnessing tight rope walkers. The amount of control and the ability to balance was something I wanted to emulate. It is something I usually feel is just out of my reach. My favorite moments of these balancing acts were when they could pretend to be about to fall...and maybe they were but they were able to pull it back to center and get balanced once again.
Bare Naked Honest Truth....I am fearful of chaos, it panics me to my soul, I need to feel secure with a plan in place and a list of what needs to be done. For me balance was stability, and stability kept me safe. Then I thought of those tight rope walkers. They were not in a "stable" environment on that high wire, they were not safe. They were bringing a little control to chaos.
I try not to let myself ponder thoughts of what life was like "before" I got sick. I am sick...and that is not going to change...so I have to find a new balance for this life... the "after" I got sick life.
There are SO many things I miss and it is not just food :) although I miss partaking in the social aspect of sitting down and enjoying food with my family and friends. It is truly more difficult than I thought it would be, I really thought that my bodies hunger for food would be the most difficult aspect of my feeding tube. It is not. It is the inability to share in the social life that comes with sitting down and enjoying food together. It requires me to find new ways to celebrate holidays and birthday's , date nights, baby showers, weddings, girls night out, movies... I miss having endless energy and the ability to push my body. I miss feeling happy without much effort. I miss freedom of spontaneity... not being tied down to medication schedules and feeding tube schedules...doctor appointments, testing and procedures...
The list could go on and on...
But the buck STOPS here!
I am learning..
I can not control everything and that leads to relying on my faith more than myself. Not the most enjoyable lesson to learn, but for me a vital one.
I am learning...
to push my resourcefulness to new levels. To think outside the box, even outside the room to make things happen.
I am learning..
that I can trust others to help me and that I am still a good friend
I am learning...
How blessed I am to have the children God gave me, they truly are amazing blessings in my life
I am learning..
To enjoy the moments of blissful harmony when they come, and never stop searching for them when I don't see them straight in front of me....because they are there
I am learning that...
when I can't do it on my own, that doesn't mean I can't do it... I just need help
I am learning that...
sometimes being in control means letting go of it first
I am learning...
to ride through the chaos and not fear it (to much)
I am learning..
how to balance while riding a roller coaster...it might not be graceful but my goal is to do my best to find joy even in the chaos
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