Well if you know me...you know that I like things to be "right", in their place, organized and clean. I might have been referred to a time or two as a perfectionist or...cringe...anal retentive. I can testify that a few years with multiple chronic illnesses has eased my passion in perfection.... a little.
Lets just say my house is usually clean... but I don't scrub my baseboards with a toothbrush on a weekly basis anymore. I try not to let my own OCD weigh in judgment upon those who live a more relaxed lifestyle.... I like clean lines and no clutter....in my own space. I am learning to try to see my ten year olds chaotic artistic approach to decorating... her room is visible from my bedroom.
I am the oldest child of a large family and I think that is where some of my drive for perfection came from. Being a "good example" to 12 other siblings weighed heavy on my mind as a child. I have learned a bucketful of lessons in my life as to where responsibility falls...and thank goodness we are all responsible for our own choices. I also figured out that perfection was not a destination... but a journey. That my goal for perfection would not be achieved in this life ;) but that it could be my goal to do my best in order to be my best everyday.
I know it sounds a little silly but I used to think that if I was perfect.....life would be so easy
I wouldn't struggle with trials. Well I can say that I am far from perfect, but that does not change my goal as I open my eyes to a new day each morning.
Back to the idea of obtaining perfection to have an easier life.... If I was only perfect this life would not be so difficult. I will be the first one to tell you that I don't enjoy struggle...but their is a natural high I feel when I am able to accomplish something difficult,
and that I most definitely enjoy. I currently "enjoy " teaching a 12 year old son to find the joy in the journey. You can enjoy washing dishes with a good attitude and the thoughts of accomplishment. Well that is a lesson I think might take awhile...I still need to be reminded myself at times....like laundry. I've been pondering the word struggle a lot lately... maybe because I have been struggling a little. It is a funny thing how our body's, mind's and spirit's are all tied together, or maybe it makes sense I just don't think about it all that often. My body's health is like a giant amusement park sometimes. The roller coaster in real life is in fact one of my favorite activities... but not at this park, and although the fun house has an inviting name I think I would rather go for a long ride on a happy merry go round.
At least that is the thought that passes through my mind now as I struggle.
There was a time in my life, not long ago actually. Right after I had survived the marathon of having 4 children in 8 years. They were getting old enough to not have a constant eye. I remember vividly thinking... My life is slowing down a bit, it's kind of boring. I don't want a boring life. Hahahaha I have to laugh at myself because shortly after that thought, 2 weeks to the day, Craig came home and let me know that Micron would no longer be his place of employment. It felt like I hit a brick wall.
We had made it through the many layoffs with confidence before. We had been in our newly built house for about 2 1/2 years. We loved our neighbors and best friends that resided in our perfect quiet little cul de sac. We short sold our house and lived on our savings as we struggled to find work for Craig. I went back to teaching until he found something. It was a long rough six months....we moved in with family... and I started on my road of chronic illness. Thankfully it was one step at a time. If you would have told me then what I know now, I might not have made it. That was 4 years ago...it has been a bit of a struggle.
I share this not for pity, I know that we all have our own struggles. I hope it helps you understand where I am coming from. My life is not more difficult than others, at times it is just more visible to the world. We all struggle at our own pace. Some struggles are self inflicted and others are just part of life.
(and now she finally gets to the point :)
Like a fish swimming up stream
Struggle...
I never liked to struggle, there came a time when I wouldn't even say the word. I want to live a happy life and how could I do that if I admitted I was struggling.
After a lot of down time and the ability to use my mind when my body took a hiatus, I not only began to appreciate the word...but am proud to say that I struggle. Like most other people the amusement park of struggle has it's off seasons, thank goodness, mine just picked up business the last four years.
My mind change concerning struggle came when I decided to look for a definition of the word, to study it's meaning until I no longer feared it.
To struggle is to move forward with great effort. Now I can't say I wouldn't mind moving forward with little effort every once in awhile ;) But like accomplishing something difficult I enjoy that feeling of conquering an obstacle.
I realized that there is no shame in admitting to struggle....It is the moments of no forward movement that I hope to avoid. I want to progress and learn... moving forward...improving...struggling.
Having a perfect day does not exclude struggle. For me moving forward with great effort toward perfection WITH a happy heart is my goal. I am not perfect so I struggle, I struggle forward. I struggle with a happy heart (most off the time) and when it gets difficult I am blessed with those who enjoy assisting me struggle forward,
but that is another post for another day.
My advice.... Struggle... take life for all it has to give... struggle forward... appreciate the feelings of pain and sorrow for the window they open to see the depth of peace love and beauty. Struggle forward with a happy heart.
<3 a fellow struggler
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