I am not ok
I am sick, for the rest of my life I will be sick. I will wake up every morning...sick. I will go to sleep every night ...sick.
I will play at the park with my children ...sick. I will go to church...sick.
I will help my neighbor...sick. I will date my husband...sick. I will celebrate every holiday... sick.
I will pour my formula and hook up my feeding tube everyday...sick. I will crush and prepare my medication...sick. I will cook dinner for my family....sick.
And I DON'T want to be sick anymore, I hate it for the life I feel it stole form me. I don't want to rest or have limits, I don't want to say that this is ok...It is not ok....I am not ok... I am sick
I am angry, there is always more to anger than just anger...there are emotions hiding under the blanket of anger.
I am scared, I am tired, I am hurting, I am overwhelmed and frustrated. BUT I have wanted people to only see me be happy because I want to be HAPPY. I can be happy...sometimes. I am trying to be ok with not being happy all the time, because sometimes I am not... and that is ok.
I feel hope and discouragement in the same breath, I feel healing and pain at the same moment. At times I am feeling so much inside this broken body that the outside world of light and sound can overwhelm me.
I can feel the sun setting on the survival mode I have lived for the past five years. It has become my safe place. A warm comfort of uncertainty and questions that has pushed me forward to find answers.
There are answers now, and a light of calmness will rise like the sun in the morning.
But for this moment I struggle....to see what woman will I be when the sun does rise, I look for her in this darkness . I can not be who I once was. Life has changed to drastically. I can not even see her in the distance anymore, that is ok... I have learned to much to go backwards.
I struggle as I must decide who I will be, how much do I let this change me...for good. How do I know who I will be...what will my life will look like, which way to turn?
I have been stripped down to the basics of my soul. And I stand here before the world with only a foundation of my faith to hold me up. A testimony of the love of my Savior, and a loving Father in Heaven. A testimony of the eternal plan, that families can be forever, that I am a child of God. That with my faith I will find myself on the other side of this trial, a stronger better me. That I will glean from this pain and difficulty a stronger belief in myself. That all things will be for my good, reminding me when I can not see that, I am loved, I am not alone, and that I am strong enough to do this.
The sun will rise, and I will walk through the next day to the next sunset and then the next sunrise. I will find myself...the new me. The best me...
the best sick me, because I am ok....I am sick...and that is ok.
Love this post Stac! Thanks for sharing the "raw" truth. When you do that, share the raw truth, you can help others that are having trials. Not necessarily the same trials as yours but your testimony, your enlightenment, your struggles all can help someone else through their own trials. You have helped more people than you will ever know.
ReplyDeleteThanks Vend ! It was a scary thing to do...but your comment makes it easier to try again!
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